As little ones, their pain could most often be kissed and cuddled away - a bump from falling down, frustration when another tot took one of their toys away.
But once they were older, when the pain came from taunts at school or heart ache from the death of a pet, it became much harder as a mother to help them cope. At least I was still nearby and could give love and counsel.
Oh, but when they were miles and miles away..........
Yesterday, in response to hearing about the death of David Bowie, my daughter posted these words from his song Rock and Roll Suicide on Facebook:
"Oh no love! you're not alone
You're watching yourself but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only
Make you care
Oh no love! you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone."
Followed by her own words of homage:
"There was once a very dark night, and Bowie's was the only voice that reached me, and he said exactly the right things. So I held on to him all night, and in the morning, things were brighter."
"I will love you and miss you forever, David."
She called me that next day, crying and sobbing so hard it broke my heart. Her lover was ending their relationship and Kari was devastated.
I was 230 miles and four hours away. All I could do was listen, try to offer the right words of consolation and love. I never felt so inadequate as a parent.
Only yesterday did I learn that it was a pop star's words and music that got her through that night. I know there were many times I told my kids to turn their music down, but I never forbade them listening to any music genre or performer. Thank goodness.
I'm sorry, sweetie; a person shouldn't just drop things like that on their Mommy, even if it is 20+ years after the fact. You've got the right situation/time period, if not the exact night. And you know, I didn't have a plan or a weapon or anything; I wasn't seconds away from something irrevocable. Just despondant, and looking for a reason not to be.
ReplyDeleteIt was a little while after that dark night when I had an epiphany that pulled me out of it: if I really felt I had nothing to live for, then I had nothing to lose. I could go/do/be whatever else I wanted; I wasn't trapped, I was free.
Ever since then, when nights have fallen, they've never been quite that dark again. There is more than one way out of misery, they all hurt to varying degrees, but some hold the promise of a brighter day to come, and fortunately, I've had the will to focus on them.
LOVE YOU and would never, ever do that to you.