Finding Joy

So many times I have lain awake dwelling on matters that I can't take care of or control anymore. It makes the future seem bleak when you can no longer enjoy the activities you once did. I know things seem worse during the wee hours of morning and most of the time I can convince myself to go back to sleep. But once in awhile.....

There are reasons things always seem worse at night. One is that the brain isn't fully functioning which makes emotions feel more raw and harder to control. Another is, when you're alone and awake in the night, you are more likely to contemplate all the what ifs. 

A few nights ago I was not able to shut off the negative feelings which is why the next morning I realized I need to actively seek new ways of finding joy. My main gateway to happiness has always been being in nature. I can no longer go for walks alone and I'm even uneasy about driving into the countryside, though I can imagine that as a possibility. 

Fortunately I have my magic window overlooking the pond, trees and a meadow - though I have been disappointed in a lack of wildlife this summer. Usually I see many deer with their fawns. This year, nary a one. There has even been a lack of birds, although the heron shows up from time to time and the hummingbirds come to the flowers everyday.

But the sun is moving back to the south which means we are getting more beautiful sunsets like this one. 

I enjoy photographing these and sharing them online.

Eventually I went back to sleep that fitful night. With the coming of morning my apprehensions left.  There was a line going through my mind something like "chasing the joy as it flies" but I couldn't remember what it was from. I nearly had it right a search led me to.....

Eternity By William Blake

He who binds to himself a joy

Does the winged life destroy

He who kisses the joy as it flies

Lives in eternity's sunrise

I believe this line from Amor Towles book Table for Two is relevant to this period of my life:

"Maybe when one shifted from the life of doing to the life of remembering, one became more sentimental, more susceptible to the influence of one's emotions."