How much of a role in our lives does birth order play? My Mom was a middle child. I am a middle child. My daughter is a middle child.
Mom was sandwiched between two sisters; no brothers for her. Kari and I both have older and younger brothers.
Are the roles we took on as sibling children carried over to adulthood? While we were growing up I always looked to my older brother for guidance. And while he never did have to protect me from any real harm, I still felt 'protected' by him. During the few years of our first marriages Ron and Marianne and Kenny and I were all part of the same social group. We were friends as well as relatives.
That changed when they moved to Colorado. They divorced and so did we. I still remember Ron's suppportive phone call the night after I had been to court. It meant a lot. He remarried in April and I remarried in May. We sorta' started over together. Then he and Ruth moved back to Iowa, we had children close in age. Eventually I moved back to southwest Iowa (divorced again) and once again had relatives who were my friends as well.
My relationship with younger brother Les was much different. I was ten years old when he was born. He was closer in age to my son than he was to me. Eight year old Uncle Les was Dougie's playmate. That may have something to do with why I felt/feel more 'motherly' toward him. (That feeling has only increased in the six years since our Mom died.)
I and my trusty old boat of a station wagon (packed full) moved little bro and his friend to college in Warrensburg, MO in '72. If he had told me then he was never coming back to Iowa I probably wouldn't have taken him. I assumed he would be gone four years and then come back home. Instead, he married a girl from Independence and stayed in Warrensburg, eventually working for the university he graduated from.
When Les phoned me three years ago to tell me his almost 30-yr. marriage was ending even though he did not want it to, I immediately went into protective mothering mode. The only thing I hoped for was the wisdom to say the right words - whatever they were - that he needed to hear at that time.
Our family dynamics have changed hugely in the past six years: Mom died; six weeks later, Ruthie died. Ron and I became very close again which I really appreciated. Now, both my brothers have new spouses and I have two new sisters-in-law. We have sold the family farm which was the last piece holding us all together. It doesn't feel like there is enough time left for me to really know my brothers and their wives again. They are busy with their children and grandchildren as I am with mine.
Perhaps this is all as it is meant to be. Long gone are the days of our parents and their siblings when you married once, lived in the same locale and raised your families together along with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
Kari's brotherly experiences differ from mine. She was 7 years younger than Doug and only two years older than Preston. Doug is her half brother while Preston is a full brother. I don't know if Doug protected her, but I know he did torment her. (Poor teddy bear, Grace.) I would say she was closer to Preston as a playmate and as a friend. But now she is separated from both brothers not only by distance but lifestyle. (No kids and grandkids for her.) Does she think of her brothers as I do mine? Loving them, but not knowing them? Remembering the years of growing up together, sharing in the loss of parents and the joy of nieces and nephews?
I may not know where my brothers are in their lives, but I know where they are in my heart.
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